I’ve learned how to take care of myself.
I’ve learned not to depend on people.
I’ve mastered expectation vs. reality, along with understanding to perpetually trust logic because the heart produces no more than emotions; emotions of which are intrinsically temporary. I’ve got it all, all figured. I know how to protect myself. I wont surrender to vulnerability or loss for the temporary relief or happiness that comes from love. Oh love, a word of which everyone interprets differently. As Tina Turner said: “What’s love but a second hand emotion?” No prince will come restore nor redeem me from my mental troubles or complex world; It is only I who can do that, anyone else would do no more than cause complications.
I am my own captain, and if this ship sinks I can gladly say that it was because I failed rather than by the cavalier accountability of someone’s actions. I’ve concurred poverty, a system of organized oppression, and practically raised myself along the way. Yes, I am proud. Such qualities as my passion for difference, demand of integrity and justice, as well as my insuperable and ruthless strength have developed from the traumas I’ve experienced. It is unfortunate and affects me psychologically, but is still in most ways beneficial. I’m gonna do as I feel while you sit back and watch. You are incorrect. After all I’ve been through I have the right to not love if it’s not something I’m not attracted to.
My ex: has a small penis
Maybe I should: grow a beard
I love: animals
People would say that I’m: “unique” is what I hear most often
I don’t understand: why relationships appeal to people
When I wake up in the morning: my first thought is how much I loathe waking up
Life is full of: exasperating obstacles
My past is: the epitome of unhappiness
Parties are: I’m usually too fucked up to remember
I wish: I could meet someone who has all the answers
Tomorrow: is Sunday
I have low tolerance: for people who argue with me about things they don’t know
I am: pansexual
My home is: somewhere that I am yet to visit
My best friend: lives in a land far far away
My parents taught me: honesty; even though (she) displayed no such things
Every day: I wish I was back in California
My life: produces unbearable ennui
Boys are: logical
Girls are: emotional
I hate people who: Oppressors: Those who abuse beautiful culture. Those who don’t mind being ignorant, and don’t care to advance. Those who believe that they are better than others; and religious leaders.
Hickory Dickory Dock: um, the mouse fell off the clock?
The best invention ever: vibrators; for those of us 65% of women who can’t climax during intercourse
God: would not protest to gay marriage.
Jesus: “is portrayed as a white guy in the middle east. He’s frail and like ‘Ahhh’ I don’t see how he could possibly be a carpenter”
Buddha: means “awakened one” or “the enlightened one”
As a child, I: was naive, just as all other children are.
The world could do with less: religion incorporated into it’s politics.
- Grilled Bacon & Cheese Sandwiches: Vegan Ingredients:
- Cheese slices
- Bacon slices
- Butter
(simple enough)
I’ll only be able to visit SD for a week, maybe less.
This must be that “exchange theory” that Andew E. was talking about.
In a month I’ll be wallowing in self-pity and fucking up in school even more.
Nothing is going to change, expect maybe my severity in depression.
- Set aside 8-10hrs…no responsibilities.
- Turn off phones.
- Do not interact with anyone in public, unless you’re completely comfortable.
- It’s better outside, go to joshua tree national park…go.
- If you are going to be indoors, be with someone with the same musical tastes (and interesting lighting). recommend albums: Animals by Pink Floyd, Europe ‘72 by the Grateful Dead, and Hail to the Thief by Radiohead and Rift by Phish.
Before you can grow up, you must fall in love 3 times. Once you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more. Once you must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect. You will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as any less than you deserve. And once you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be.
And when you’re through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that you needed the most. But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each person that experiences it. And you will learn to respect each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved.
Natural hallucinogen drugs are only illegal because it gives you experiences that get you closer to what life is really about. We’ve been hypnotized by society and have forgotten the true state of mind that hallucinogens help to unveil: the conclusion would be world peace. Although, I can’t imagine world peace without everyone changing their minds and realizing that the bullshit is just an illusion, and that we are not separate and how stupid primitive fear-based psychology is. Psychedelics are like the only thing powerful enough to bring about the necessary change. Pity language manipulation (‘drugs’) has screwed people into thinking they are a negative force in mind alteration simply because they don’t make people zombie-like consumer capitalists.
I used to think my past didn’t mean anything. I thought things left undone, things said in haste, niceties ignored, birthdays forgotten weren’t important. I thought time flowed over these things and covered them up so they no longer existed. I used to laugh about my mother telling me, “That will go on your permanent record.” I thought I had no permanent record. I was young and had a long, full lifetime in which to make mistakes and explore endless possibilities. No one and no thing was going to dictate what I should be doing or saying, or how I ought to conduct myself. There is a permanent record, however. It lives on in the memories of all the people you have come in contact with. It lives on in your own perception of yourself, coloring and flavoring who you become, what you expect to be able to accomplish and how you live your life. Every decision you make determines your tomorrow. Your future is in your past. But if one day you decide you no longer want to be the person you have become, or live the life you are living, it is no easy task to stop all that accumulated momentum. You won’t go to bed tonight and get up tomorrow a new person. You don’t have the same option little babies have, learning to walk and talk and think for the first time; you have to learn to walk and talk and think in a new way. There is still the pesky little problem of all those people who know you as the person you were, not the person you want to be; who through no perverse unkindness, but through expectation, keep pulling you back into the old mold. This makes me realize something: not all bridges can be burned. Even if you change your name or move to a new address. Even if you claim you never knew you. Don’t be so naive to think your prior actions won’t affect your future; your past means everything.
Far too much lately I’ve been internally debating the value of honesty and pride.
Finally I’m going to write down my thoughts regarding the subject;
I once asked Cha Cha ‘Why is it that people lie routinely?”
A: For status, to protect themselves, or make themselves seem more interesting.
Sounds like insecurity to me. Insecurity so deep that it wont allow people to even be honest with themselves. In relation to psychology this throws up a big red flag;
it’s waving frantically in front of my face and the person holding it is screaming, “DELUSION!!”
So what happens when someone you love can’t stop lying to you?
The answer should be simple right? Forgiveness, of course because you love them. Wrong, I think people underestimate vulnerability. Whether we want to admit it or not: the price of a heart is obligation. With obligation comes loyalty, after all, that’s the point. I see no justice; Court adjourned.
